The Ward Saga
by kreysay
Summary: Ward is the ultimate boss. Can the SeeDs defeat him?


The Ward Saga  
  
This originally started as a basic blooper with the small first disc..then somehow grew..  
  
Director: OK, in this scene Laguna, Kiros & Ward will be running to...ummmmm...and just where is Ward?  
  
Kiros: Last time we saw him he was trying to junction 100 Big Macs to his HP and 100 pizzas to his Mag, while casting firaga on the BBQ to try and refine 100 steaks from a couple of Malboros...  
  
Ward enters chewing on last Malboro steak: Mmmmmmmmm SPICY!!!  
  
Laguna: Far out...I wish he would have worked out he liked Malboros BEFORE he used Ifrit to BBQ The Brothers...  
  
Zell wakes up from the "dream world" with a shocking dose of food poisoning. He junctions 100 Exercise Bikearas to his status attack, 100 Cholesterolagas to his status defense, and heads off to hunt down Ward.....  
  
*Please insert next disc...*  
  
..............  
  
Squall has just taken Balamb Garden at the Balamb mechanics for it's 4 million mile oil change.  
  
Quistis: Did they say when it would be ready?  
  
Squall: "...." The mechanic said he would have to compress time himself to have any chance of EVER getting it done, so I had to LionHeart him...  
  
Quistis: "...." Oh that's just great...Why didn't you just take it to FH? You know how quick they work there.  
  
Squall: But they hate me.  
  
Quistis: Everyone hates you, live with it.  
  
Squall: (I can make it sis...)  
  
Quistis: Oh build a bridge and get over it...So, let me see if I have this right. You let Irvine and Selphie go off joy-riding and blowing things up with a rocket launcher in Ragnarok, so it is up to you, me, and Rinoa to catch Zell and help him against Ward...  
  
Rinoa: I am scared to face Ward again after what he did to Angelo...Right in the middle of the "Angelo Rush"...The way Ward pulled out two slices of bread, casted Flare on Angelo, caught him in the bread, and ate him all in one move still give me nightmares...  
  
Squall: I warned you Ward liked hot dogs even more than Zell...  
  
Rinoa: MEANIE! BIG MEANIE! You could have said what you meant by that...  
  
Squall: ..whatever...Anyway, before he goes Zell will be at his house helping Mrs Dincht clean the kitchen. They are still trying to get that burnt rotten fish smell out of there.  
  
Rinoa: Oh please don't say burnt rotten fish smell, it reminds me of the last time I saw Angelo...  
  
Squall & Quistis: "...."  
  
--------------  
  
As the four walk down from the Dincht household to Balamb wharf...  
  
Zell: Squall, Quistis, Rinoa, thanks for helping clean up burnt rotten fish smell....And Squall and Quistis, thanks for cleaning up that bigger mess Rinoa made when she was cleaning the.....  
  
Rinoa: UG! I don't want to think about it Zell. You are a BIG MEANIE too!!  
  
Squall, Quistis & Zell: Whatever...  
  
Zell: So Squall, what's your plan?  
  
Squall: Well, with the Garden in the shop...  
  
Quistis: And staying there permanently...  
  
Squall: *looks at Quistis* ...And Ragnarok...Somewhere...  
  
Quistis: And who gave Selphie the keys?  
  
Squall: *places hand on hip and looks down...* Anyway, my theory is that we can take a boat from Balamb Harbour north to one of the Chocobo forests and grab one of them to get around the world in the hunt for Ward.  
  
Quistis: OK!  
  
Zell: Sounds good!  
  
Rinoa: Lets try that boat over there. Excuse me Sir? May we hire your boat?  
  
The as yet un-named sea captain looks up...He sees the 4 people standing there...Then screams in terror at his first mate...: WEDGE! IT'S THEM! LETS GET OUT OF HERE!  
  
Biggs jumps over the side and starts swimming for his life. Wedge comes up on deck to see what the screaming was all about, takes one look and dives in too...  
  
--------------  
  
Quistis, Rinoa, and Zell look up as Squall comes out of the Chocobo forest...With no Chocobo?!?!  
  
Zell: Ha! Whatsamatta Squall? They steal your gear again? Just pay the kid already and be done wit...WHAT THE!!?? What's wrong Squall?  
  
Squall is as white as a ghost and looks like he has seen a sheet...er...whatever...anyway...He goes to speak, but his mind is so cluttered that the words don't come. Finally he manages a feeble..."Look in there..."  
  
They enter the Chocobo forest...and see Chocobo bones everywhere!  
  
Chocobo kid: It was terrible...He just came in and...I told him he was too fat to ride a Chocobo...He said "I don't want to ride one kid"...He caught them all and ate them.  
  
Rinoa: What happened to your right leg?  
  
Chocobo kid: That big bone over there was it, he ate that too...He ate the chocobos. He ate my leg. I guess you could say this story is Final Fa.....  
  
Squall, with a look that would scare off a TIGH* of Malboros, holds his LionHeart at the kid's throat: DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT!  
  
Chocobo kid: *grins* Final Fantasy ATE!  
  
*SWISH* *SLASH* *SWISH* *SLASH* *SWISH* *SLASH*  
  
Chocobo kid: ..it..was..worth..it..  
  
*SWISH* *SLASH* *SWISH* *SLASH*  
  
(*TIGH = This Is Gonna Hurt, the collective noun for a group of at least 50 Malboros..)  
  
--------------  
  
Ragnarok is parked just outside of Winhill. The 6 SeeDs are in Laguna's old house, which is now between 2 "KFC"s (Kentucky Fried Chocobo...). Squall stands up and looks out the window at the town where the team once searched for vase parts...The mansion is now a KFC. The little old flower lady's house is now a KFC.  
  
Squall once again puts hand on hip and looks down...(How do I defeat the "Ward effect?") His train of thought is derailed again as the building they are in turns into a KFC around them. ("What do I do? Ultimecia's Time Compression could not have been this bad...")  
  
Suddenly, the other five yell "SQUALL! I HAVE A PLAN!"  
  
--------------  
  
*Please insert next disc...*  
  
The 6 SeeDs walk through Winhill to board the Ragnarok and put the plan into action.  
  
Zell: So, tell me the plan Squall?  
  
Squall stares at Zell. He feels that familiar throbbing pain start in his forehead again.  
  
Zell: Oh, you don't think I can handle it do you...  
  
Squall: "....." (What I wouldn't give to be in a saner game now...something like The Simpsons Wrestling....) Ummmm....Zell, correct me if I am wrong, but didn't the five of you just tell ME the plan in Laguna's old house?  
  
Zell is about to reply, when the battle music starts...  
  
Squall: (Oh SHAZBOT! What now....as if I didn't know.....Yep, there they are, what a surpirse.....NOT!)  
  
The team quickly dispatch the 3 Forbiddens.  
  
Selphie: Has anyone noticed that Forbiddens are the only monster we seem to be fighting these days?  
  
Squall's pain increases: Ummmm.....Selphie the announcements that Ward's Chocobo farms were running low, and that he had eaten all the other monsters and was now trying to generate another Lunar Cry came over the radio just before we left Laguna's old house....Which, Zell, was right after you five told me the plan. Now lets get going....  
  
Zell: Yes, but the disc changed before we told you the plan remember? So now you have to tell the plan again to bring the player up to date...  
  
Squall: (Why couldn't I have been in Medal Of Honor or something...) *SIGH* Ok, well, we just basically go to his joint, knock on the door, and pound the living daylights out of him when he answers.  
  
Quistis: Boy that's pretty basic. Pete must be losing it if that is the best he can come up with...  
  
Pete: Shaddap woman or I'll write you and Ward getting married into this!  
  
Quistis: Sorry Pete....  
  
Squall: WHATEVER....Look, there will be enough whizz-bang FMV shots to cover up the weak plot, so can we just get on with this please? (Oh how I wish I were in Doom....)  
  
Irvine: Ward must be getting hungry. You notice even one of that last batch of Forbiddens had teeth marks on his leg??  
  
--------------  
  
*knock knock knock*  
  
Ward: Who's there?  
  
All: US!  
  
Ward: Well? *BURRRRRPPP* Whaddayawant?  
  
Selphie: We wanna blow you to smithereens with a rocket launcher!  
  
Ward: Hmmmm, well, yeah, I guess that would do the job, and I would like to see this game finish too, but sorry, that is just not an intricate enough method.  
  
Squall thinks "Not an intricate enough..." ...He pops some morphine for his headache, then LionHearts Ward's door 3 or 4 times...The door is not even scratched.  
  
Ward: No. Sorry that won't work.  
  
Quistis: Settle down Squall, we'll just go see Dr Odine, he'll come up with some hair-brained convoluted plot development to get us in to Ward.  
  
Ward: Great guys! Looking forward to seeing it! See you later.  
  
--------------  
  
After a Lunar Cry FMV, The Great Plains of Esthar shake as all the monsters in the land try and get as far away from the area as possible. Malboros slither over each other in terror trying to escape. Iron Giants, too slow to run with the others, can't stop crying and rust themselves to death.  
  
As the team walk from Lunar Gate to the city, they keep a distance from Squall who is NOT HAPPY! OK, we all know that Squall is NEVER happy. But this is WAY above and beyond his usual standard. He is LionHearting every poor monster he sees, while summoning Eden, Doomtrain & Diablos every chance he gets.  
  
Squall: .....  
  
Everyone: ...  
  
Squall screams "...WHATEVER!" as he swings the LionHeart again. The one blow destroying poor Omega Weapon who was just visiting the area on holidays and was about to ask what all the fuss was about...  
  
Squall: ...And just why is it that we had to walk from Ward's place to Esthar city, to have Odine tell us to walk back to Ward's and to try saying "Can we come in and kill you...PLEASE..."  
  
Quistis: Well, we did go to see Dr Odine to make the plot convoluted...  
  
Irvine: Yeah, making us walk across the bridge through FH to pick up the vase in Winhill after that and walk all the back to his office is going a bit too far though!  
  
Squall: This vase just better be worth the trip...  
  
Selphie: If you ask me the Dr has been leveling up too many Funguars before smoking them...  
  
--------------  
  
Dr Odine: Ah, I see you ist bavk! Goot goot! You brovght the vase! It vill solve all de problems! Please be handing the vase to me now!  
  
Squall shrugs and hands Dr Odine the vase...  
  
Dr Odine: Ahhh goot! Now I jvst adjvst it like this...Ja dat ist it. Now, I level this fun Funguar right up to 10 million, chop him into teeny tiny pieces like dis, pack him into here, light this, and....  
  
Squall: A BONG!!?? We walked all that way so you could go tiptoeing through the tulips? ..... WHY YOU LITTLE....  
  
Squall draws his LionHeart and charges at Dr Odine. The doctor calmly says "Oh lighten up dvde..", takes a big puff, then does a Malboro style Bad Breath move on the team.  
  
"Jvst sit back and vatch de colours....See, here dey come...."  
  
Everyone: ....  
  
--------------  
  
*2 hours of Funguar formed fractal FMV later....*  
  
Dr Odine: OK, now, ve need ze plan...Vat ve do ist get Ellone to send back....  
  
...An extremely complicated plan is explained point by point, but really doesn't have to be because the game just does it all automatically anyway...  
  
Dr Odine: ....and that is how the whole thing works!  
  
Quistis: I don't get it.  
  
Dr Odine: What part don't you get?  
  
Quistis: The part after "Vat ve do ist.."?  
  
Squall, and everyone else, Odine included, put their right hands to foreheads in the classic "whatever" position. The room is quiet for a minute until Quistis breaks the silence: Well? I had to have one good line in this thing. Even if it was taken from Get Smart.  
  
Everyone: Whatever....  
  
Ward: I kind of liked it myself.  
  
Everyone: .... .... ............... ...... ...........!!!!!!!  
  
Ward: Yeah well, I figured I might as well stop by and see how it was all going. Lets get on with it then huh?  
  
*Please insert next disc...*  
  
After a couple of billion hours of card playing, old Timber Maniacs reading, UFO chasing, finding stones in weird little villages, throwing other stones at a monkey, chasing Chocobos, trying to recruit all the GFs, and who knows, maybe even understanding the "main" plot....We now reach the end of.....THE SAGA!  
  
Will we defeat the evil Ward and save the universe? Or will we be forced to say "Oh well, it's only a game" before hitting the power button....  
  
Dr Odine: Okvay, here ist vhere we get freaky with the plot. Lets go Ellone!  
  
Ellone sends Ward & the SeeDs back to Titanic to find a notebook, a painting, a diamond necklace, and....errrr....hang on, wrong game...ok, I'm back now. Ellone sends Ward & the SeeDs all back to 27 zillion years before the universe was created, then sends them forward to 1 minute 57¼ seconds after it was uncreated, then sends them to every point in between and brings them back to the present....  
  
Dr Odine: See, I told you it was convoluted!  
  
Ward: I like it so far...  
  
Ellone continues doing her thing, sending everyone back and forwards into all sorts of people and things. When she brings them back to the present the room is stunned when Squall is missing and a Malboro wearing black with a Lion Heart strapped to it's hip is standing in his place.  
  
Ward looks at the Malboro: Mmmmmmmm SPICY!  
  
Malboro: .....!!!???  
  
Everyone: ......... .................. .....!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rinoa: Squall?  
  
Malboro: What?  
  
Everyone: ......... .................. .....!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ellone: Sorry, I just figured it was the only way we would ever see him with a smile on his face....  
  
Everyone: HAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHAHA!!!!!  
  
Malboro(Squall): Whatever....Look, you've had your fun, just get me back to normal ok or I'll bad breath attack you all!  
  
Rinoa: I don't know, I think your normal bad breath attack is worse than any Malboro!  
  
Everyone: HAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHAHA!!!!!  
  
The malboro puts a tentacle on it's hip, looks down and says: .... whatever ....  
  
Dr Odine: Pleavse fix him Ellone, it ist bad enovgh looking at a human face that ist always that depressed.  
  
She does so, then Squall walks up to Ward...: Well? Can we do the final battle now? Surely that plot was anfractuous enough...  
  
Ward: It wasn't really, but I did like that malboro gag, and using a big word like "anfractuous" is just showing off. So yeah, START THE BATTLE MUSIC!  
  
--------------  
  
Squall casts Triple on Zell: OK ZELL! DO IT!  
  
Zell: awww....But why should I have to do it....  
  
Quistis: Because you have the most stocked!  
  
Zell: Yeah, but you know what I had to go through to get it all?  
  
Everyone: GET ON WITH IT!  
  
Zell sighs, then casts triple Hotdogaga on Ward. Ward catches the Hotdogagas, sits down and starts eating.  
  
Squall: Right, that should keep him busy while we work out how to kill him. Anyone got some Pain or Bio?  
  
Irvine: Probably won't work boss, he LITERALLY eats Malboros for breakfast remember.  
  
Squall: Good point....anyone else?  
  
Selphie picks up her rocket launcher: Easy!  
  
Quistis: hmmmm maybe not Selphie, he is so big we would be here for years just trying to get his attention with that...How about The End!!  
  
Selphie goes into her Limit Break and starts "Doing Over"....Fire x 2, Fire, Firara, Thundaga x 2, Cure x 2.....a hour later....THE END!: OK BIG BOY, CATCH THIS!  
  
Ward looks up from his 17th Hotdogaga for the battle to find himself in a field with very nice music in the background. He watches the Butterflies of Doom approaching his nose....He shrugs, puts down the Hotdogaga he was working on, reaches for a can of MORTEIN (www.mortein.com.au) and kills the Butterflies of Doom in one hit: Nice try, but you'll have to do better than that.  
  
Squall Renzokuken + Lionhearts Ward: How's that then?  
  
Ward: I've had worse...Look, why don't you just get Ultimecia over there to summon Griever and that will be it.  
  
Everyone looks at Rinoa: ........!!!!!  
  
Rinoa: I AM NOT ULTIMECIA! MEANIES! BIG MEANIES!! BIG BIG MEANIES!!! KURSED SEEDS....errr....oh the heck with it....  
  
Rinoa uses the Griever ring. Griever arrives and looks at Ward and thinks "This is going to take a while", so he summons all the other GFs.  
  
Zell: Anyone up for some hotdogs while the GFs are taking care of Ward for us?  
  
Squall: Oh, you have some left? Yeah, good idea Zell...  
  
The team sit down for some dogs while the GFs dispatch Ward in a 27¾ minute FMV.  
  
--------------  
  
Squall: Well done GFs. Well, everything is ok, so you can all go now.  
  
Eden: Not quite little man!  
  
Doomtrain: Yeah, we are sick of working for you puny humans!  
  
Humans: HUH!!!!! ........  
  
Bahamut: Come on boys, lets unjunction ourselves from these clowns and give them a REAL lesson!  
  
Diablos: OH YEAH! I ain't so sleepy now you insects!  
  
Angelo: FREEDOM!!!!!  
  
Shiva: Let's cool 'em down!  
  
Ifrit: No, let's fire 'em up!  
  
Carbuncle: WHATEVER!!  
  
GFs: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
Cerberus casts Triple on the GFs: It'S SHOWTIME!!!!!  
  
Squall: NNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooo..............  
  
--------------  
  
Squall: NNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooo..............  
  
Rinoa: Are you OK Squall?  
  
Squall: Wha....huh!  
  
Rinoa: Were you having a bad dream again?  
  
Squall: ....yeah....I guess so....  
  
Zell: I told you man, Funguar hotdogs are not a good idea just before bedtime.  
  
Squall: Yeah....Looks like Mr Know-it-all Zell was right this time.  
  
Selphie: Come on! Let's hit that PAR-TAY!!!!!  
  
Rinoa: Yeah, lets go Squall! It will get your mind off that bad dream.  
  
Squall: Yeah ok...It really was terrible Rinoa. Ward was the mega bad guy, and all the GFs turned against us in the end, and this bloke named Pete just made things get weirder and werider...It was so bad you were Ultimecia at one part....  
  
Rinoa hides Squall's old Griever ring: errr....yeah....anyway....Lets party, and...er....don't keep your Eyes On Me....  
  
(The End) 


End file.
